Perspective on Dad

I just watched a documentary called “The other F word” about mega rock stars who are now fathers and what that means. The lead singer of Pennywise at the end made a statement that is still spinning in my head “Maybe the way we change the world isn’t by writing another punk rock song but maybe it’s by raising better human beings, ya know being better parents, being better fathers”. Fat Mike of NOFX commented on how some dads would not want to be there with their kids, like his dad that would rather be in the adult pool than spend time with his son, “some people don’t deserve to have kids, they just don’t deserve them”. The lead singer of Everclear said he was trying to be the kind of father he wished he had.

Most of the rocker stars and all of the punk rockers came from abusive, broken, or otherwise unhealthy home life. Much of the rage and angst heard in their music stems from the feelings of hurt and abandonment from family. I know this isn’t a popular political view to have but I do strongly feel that some parents just shouldn’t be parents. If birth control were more readily available, abortion was seen as a viable option, and not having kids seen as an acceptable lifestyle, perhaps there were be less angsty traumatized kids out there.

Fortunately, my own father was very present in my life. He took me to ballet classes, watched movies with me, made sand castles on the beach, etc. He was a dad in the traditional Walt Cleaver kinda way. Unfortunately, he was very conservative and held strict Mormon beliefs. My sisters and I were instrumental in knocking down some of the firmly held social ideas.

My oldest sister got a divorce, which shattered my dad’s idea that if he raised his daughters to be proper Mormon girls who to a church college, married a return missionary, and bore children,  they’d be happy and turn out ok. Laurie was the opposite of happy and ok. Even now she struggles as a single parent who’s ex-husband moved to Canada to avoid paying child support and calls the kids every couple of years on his birthday. Larissa, their oldest child, won’t talk to him anymore.

My youngest sister got knocked up twice, once at 15 and again at 17. Both times had an abortion. The first one he found out about afterwards, the second one he drove her to Planned Parenthood. Megan has stated several times that she feels that it contributed to his death since he died a few weeks after her abortion. I know it aged him alot but disagree that it had anything to do with his passing. Megan came out as bi-sexual which my mom is still trying to wrap her head around.

I was the first of my family to stop attending church and the only one to officially remove my name from the records of the church. My ex-boyfriend and I lived together for about 6 years. Openly telling my family that Eric and I would not be getting married and were living together, not hiding the fact that we occasionally went to bars and night clubs, that I drank coffee and alcohol and wore tank tops, all flew in the face of their religious beliefs.

This was very tough on my dad. I’m proud to say rather than be stubborn about his ideals, he began to evolve as a person. During his last hospital stay (I slept at the hospital and was with him 10 days total) he faded in and out of delirium. The Parkinson medications interacted in a very negative way with the anesthesia used during his knee replacement surgery. The times he was lucid we had some heavy conversations. At one point, while discussing my relationship with Eric and lack of motivation to get married, he told me that “while I don’t agree with the choices you’ve made or the decisions you are making, you’re still my daughter and I will always love you. That last thing either of us wants is to be excluded from each others lives.”

The real tragedy was that we didn’t get to continue those conversations. He died relatively young, at 59 year old, and was growing so much as an individual. His daughters put him through the paces, but they also taught him a great deal about what real matters and what is really right vs wrong. Eric on his way to get a drink in the middle of the night while staying at my parents place, found my dad at the dining room table reading the bible. Dad was eating a bowl of ice-cream while reading, and said it was one of the few times the house was quiet and the grand kids wouldn’t ask for a bite of his ice-cream. Eric deeply respected my dad for choosing to read the bible when nobody was around. The two of them were close and in fact Eric was more upset by my dad’s passing than when his own father died 5 years later. His dad just wasn’t present and while Eric was an adult, he still wanted and needed a fatherly influence.

Pennywise lead singer Jim Lindberg, when he said we could change the world by raising better human beings, really hit on something. My dad’s influence on Eric was profound. I think this idea extends beyond fatherhood. If we focused on being better human beings: better spouses, better friends, better parents, better at our relationships with the people in our lives more than we do at any other social goal we would change the world.

Punk rock parents just by existing, create options for youth today that weren’t there 10-20 years ago. If a kid today wants to play electric guitar and have a mohawk hair cut, even a teenage girl, she can. Even if her parents disagree there are her friends parents or other parents out there that would support her decision. The level of strength required for her rebellion is reduced because of what punk rock established. Not just with their music and culture but by displaying that those choices don’t have to lead to addiction and death, they can lead to involved parenthood and free expression of art. Not a bad thing to instill in a child.

July 8th

Finished watching Cloud Atlas. One line of dialogue stuck with me “People who try to change the natural order of things do not fare well”. This is true. Abolitionists were lynched, French revolutionaries were beheaded, American colonists were shot, and these a just a few historical examples. What is interesting to think about, is how their lives did in fact change the order of things. They knew they were putting their lives on the line to so.

I wonder not at their bravery because I know if something were that important to me I’d be just as willing. I wonder at how dire the circumstances must have felt for them to be so compelled. There are only two reasons people are driven to change: the rewards far outweigh the risks or the circumstances are so awful that the risks (including death) are worth taking in order to change their circumstances. What would be so awful that I’d be willing to risk death in order to change? Would it be simply that I’d rather die than have life continue in the pattern it currently exists?

Conversely, I have to wonder what I’d be willing to risk for a great reward. Everyone has their price, the saying goes. My current level of education and employment don’t match my intellect or capabilities but economically in the states I am limited in my options. I’ve been considering seeking employment abroad but I hesitate to leave  my home.  I love all things Portland and having my grandmother and my sisters nearby makes it all the better.

The other possibility is to seek other training and education. While I am capable of learning, I worry what I’m sacrificing in order to gain a better salary. I wouldn’t be challenging myself any more than I am now but I would be learning more in a science field. My insights and artistic sensibilities might stagnate. That is my fear. I temper this fear with the idea that I could work less hours and devote more time to my art. While my current co-workers help feed my intellect and artistic ideas, the work itself does not. Perhaps this is what I need to embrace: employment pays the bills, it does feed the soul or mind. 

The employment I wish for that would feed my mind, soul, and pocketbook, no longer exists. An Investigative Journalist. The current political affairs of the world are buried in entertainment news or are ignored by the corporate conglomerates that control American news. Bloggers try to compete and share the real news but lack the credibility of a name branded news source and the funding to do in depth investigations. Surface level of news such as Egyptian power changes, Turkish riots, and Snowden in hiding, are brought out.

If I were given such credentials and funding I would follow the money Snowden is surely being given to propagate his stance. Wikileaks didn’t garner such attention yet they were slinging far heavy accusations and mud at the US Administration. Why such attention? Surely some lobbyist group or opposition to the White House is really behind him. I know he’s got guts for doing this and what he is suggesting is very likely the truth. I just question what or who is behind him. As any journalist would do: follow the money. Problem is, there are no true journalists left. Just faces on TV backed by corporate sponsors, reading whatever bit of propaganda or fluff piece is on the prompter.